Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
-----------------------------
Three lads from the UK were in a lap dancing club watching a very busty blonde gyrating on the pole. The lad from London put £20 on the girl's right buttock. Not to be outdone the lad from Bristol put a £50 note on her right buttock. The guy from Glasgow walked up, swiped his Visa card down the crack of her arse and took the £70 cashback.
-----------------------------
An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full grown emu. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a beer please,' and turns to his pal. 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That'll be $9.40 please.' He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day they return and the truckie orders  a hamburger, chips and a beer, and the emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato, salad and a martini,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well love, a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed when I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there.'
The waitress asks him, 'So what's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
-----------------------------
Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is HAPPENING!"
-----------------------------
A man goes to his doctor for his annual medical examination. The doctor says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating". The man exclaims, "Stop masturbating? WHY?" Doctor says, "Well, I'm trying to conduct a medical examination!"
-----------------------------
IRISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, the aroma of his favourite scones comes wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......
F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
-----------------------------
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe
on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.
-----------------------------
A man wakes up in the morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
When the bear remover arrives, he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's this for?" asks the homeowner?
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
------------------------------
The Top Country Songs of 2007:
12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better.
7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
And the Number 1 Country Song is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.  
------------------------------
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a pub in Dublin. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an old, owly-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little ole drunk slaps his money down on the bar and says, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approaches the little ole drunk and says, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
------------------------------
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine now, really."
"What about the eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped poop in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender,"you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
------------------------------
A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while, then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We in Texas may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.
You smart ones have a good day.
------------------------------
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
------------------------------
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. "Where have ye been all this time? Why didn't you write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Daddy ... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Daddy... as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and... an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
Girl, crying again, says...."A prostitute, Daddy."
"Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said ... a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!"
------------------------------
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Scwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a huge penis like that. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's hugeness.
He stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened the briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
------------------------------
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the other side of the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quckly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
------------------------------
This little lad is peddling down the street on his bike in Belfast when he gets hit by a car doing about 60 miles an hour
An old woman rushes over to him and sees that he`s really badly injured
"An ambulance is on its way my son" She says " Do you want me to call for a priest ?"
"No thanks Ma'am " Says the little boy, "Sex is the last thing on my mind right now!"
------------------------------
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up... and set off all the other bells.
------------------------------
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer, and women with big tits".
------------------------------
A banjo player and a trombone player have a New Year's Eve gig. Everything is going very well, and the people at the party really enjoy the evening. They go to get paid and the buyer says, "You know, we enjoyed you both so much, everyone had such a great time listening to your music. We were wondering if perhaps we could have you guys back to play at our New Year's Eve party next year?"The banjo player and trombone player look at each other, "Gee that's great. Everyone was so nice. We had fun. Your party was great.... sure.... Can we leave our stuff here?"
------------------------------
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore.
I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
We lost the football game. Tired. Got a shag though.
------------------------------
Mother Superior calls all the nuns in her convent into an emergency meeting.
She says, "I must tell you something very important. We have a case of gonorrhea in our convent."
Way in the back of the room an old nun exclaims, "Thanks be to God. I am so tired of the Zinfandel!"
------------------------------
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked his way east from there.
He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued with a sign which read '$10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
He visited churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States and found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone But THIS time the sign read 'Calls: 25 cents.' Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies 'Son, you're in Texas now. It's a local call.'
------------------------------
Paddy Murphy limps into a Belfast pub looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm in a sling, his nose is broken and his face is cut and bruised.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little swine, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
------------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
"Oh, Father," she says "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Mary, put down the gun!"
------------------------------
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap!
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking:  'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I can't wait to make that kissing noise and slap that English ******* again.
------------------------------
Two Irishmen were walking down the road when they found a mirror in the road.
Patrick looks into it and says "jesus that bloke looks really familiar."
Eamonn looks into it and says "You eejit, it's me!"
------------------------------
What do you call a pretty lady on a drummers arm? A tattoo
------------------------------
Two drummers walk past a bar..... Hey, it could happen!
------------------------------
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The barman asks him what he'd like to drink.
"I'll have a pint of bitter and a mop."
------------------------------
Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named John. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, John, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
------------------------------
FIVE LITTLE PIGGIES
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. As the farmers lived 60 miles from each other, they agreed to meet halfway and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were mating he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "Tomorrow morning, if they're in the grass grazing, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so the farmer called the other farmer, hosed his pigs off; loaded them into the family station wagon and drove off to try again. The following morning, it was mud again! This continued for a week until one morning the farmer was so tired he couldn't get out of bed.
He called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Well, neither," yelled his wife. "They're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiance what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Lucky Louie.
------------------------------
SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
------------------------------
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 2 dollars a piece and made a profit of $900."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his 2 dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
------------------------------
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Ian and Dermot, were sent for. Ian went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
He said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Ian looked and said "No, that ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Dermot in to identify the body.
He took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over" The mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked down and said, "No, that ain't Paddy"
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Dermot said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say........
"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
------------------------------
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"
------------------------------
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
------------------------------
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, her neighbour Rob is standing there.
Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.
Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
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A man left work one Friday afternoon. But being payday, instead of going home he partied with the boys and stayed out all weekend, spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am." He then asked her what she was.
She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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A guy walks into a bar and says "Gimme twenty shots of your best bourbon." The bartender pours the shots, and the guy immediately pounds them all down like a madman.
The bartender says "Man, I've never seen anybody drink like that before."
He says "You'd drink like that too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
The guy says "Fifty cents."
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual comments between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,
"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.
Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
"How on earth did you know that would work?" they ask.
"Simple," he says, "Everyone always talks during the bass solo."
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be a record label" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a recording artist "
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'
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HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French, and it's all organised by the Swiss
HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss, and it's all organised by the Italians!!
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These four guys are walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker. A reporter comes up to them and says,
"Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "excuse me , what is this word shortage?"
The Russian says, "excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker says, "excuse me, what's excuse me?"
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A couple were returning home from their wedding rehearsal dinner when they were killed in a car crash. They met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven and asked him:
"We were supposed to be married tomorrow. Would it be possible to get married here in Heaven?"
"I'll have to look into that," Saint Peter said. "Wait here while I check this out."
Six months later, Saint Peter returned and told the couple, "I haven't forgotten about you; it's just that this is taking longer than I expected. Please be patient and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
Eighteen months later, Saint Peter returned again.
"Good news!" he said. "We can marry you."
"Well," the couple explained, "since we've been waiting for you, we've got to know each a lot better and we're not so sure. We'd still like to be married, but if things don't work out, would we be able to get a divorce here?"
"For God's sake," Peter snapped back. "It took me two years to find a priest up here. How long do you think it's going to take me to find a lawyer?!"
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A banjo player, who has been out of work for months, is desperate for work. He's looking through the want ads and he comes across a position with the local zoo.
"Here's the deal," explains the zoo manager when the banjo player arrives at his office. "We've advertised that we have two gorillas at our zoo, but one of the apes just died. We hate to disappoint all the kids, who are expecting to see two gorillas. All you have to do is put on this gorilla suit and sit in the cage."
The man puts on the furry suit, and is sitting in the cage eating a banana when the door opens and another gorilla is shoved in with him.
"Get me outta here!" yells the man, shaking the bars of the cage.
"Keep quiet," says the other gorilla. "You think you're the only banjo player out of work?"
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A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood.
At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
At night, make love with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim."
Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
"You're going to die," she replied.
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs, "Oh, no" he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Boom boom!